


I want to be more (I want to be yours)

by Jecari



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bobby Knows, Canon Divergence, Depressed Evan "Buck" Buckley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fire Marshal Evan "Buck" Buckley, Fluff, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Love Confessions, M/M, No tsunami, Post-Season/Series 02, Post-it Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23358472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jecari/pseuds/Jecari
Summary: Maybe I don’t want to be your friend.As Buck’s mind plays it over and over again, he starts to believe these words hold a truth he’s not ready to admit yet.-After fighting to get back to his job, Buck is faced with complications that set him back again. Only Eddie is able to help him, but it only opens his eyes to the bigger picture; the team’s already replaced him. Eddie’s already replaced him. And it hurts in a way he never saw coming.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 67
Kudos: 666





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo here's another fic that's been finished and waiting to be posted for months... 
> 
> It started with the idea of Buck getting drunk and it got angsty and out of hands... Oops.  
> It's completed and all I have to do is post now! 
> 
> Hope you like it! ♥

Buck stares at Bobby, his eyes wet with frustration and despair as his brain struggles to process his captain’s words. He hardly remembers what Bobby said, just that he can’t go back to his work even once he’s cleared by the doctors. He mentioned light-duty, whatever that means, but that’s not what Buck wants. He didn’t work so hard to get his job back. He didn’t go through hell and back to be put behind a desk. Buck feels fine, ready to be a firefighter again. Why would his captain— his friend— do that to him? 

“No,” Buck hears himself argue, the mix of anger and hurt giving him no control over his next words. “They are not putting me behind a desk. I quit.”

There’s a voice in his head telling him he’s making a mistake, but Buck can’t bring himself to care. Bobby is giving up on him, everyone is, and Buck is too tired to keep fighting against the entire world. This is the last straw. 

As Buck turns his heels to go back to his room, the captain tries to stop him, calling his name softly, but he just shakes him off and walks away. He can’t do that right now, he’s too angry and he could say something he would regret. 

When he gets back in his hospital room, Buck is relieved to find it empty. He doesn’t need yet another lecture from his big sister. He just wants to be left alone, hide in the bed, and never leave it again. Maddie means well but yells at him about how stupid it was to overwork himself and how careless it was to put his life in danger by pushing himself too hard. She’s just worried, but Buck knows that already. He’s not proud of the lying or the way he hid and ignored his pain, but Buck felt trapped— like he had no other choice. Being a firefighter isn’t just a job to him, it’s who he is, and he felt like he was losing himself. He made reckless choices, bad ones that he thought were worth it, but he’s not so sure about that anymore.

Frustrated, Buck grunts as he settles on the bed, his own voice echoing in his head: I quit. When training was so hard it left his entire body sore, when he went through surgery after surgery, when his leg was so sore he could barely walk, giving up was never an option. Getting his job back, going back out there and saving lives, kept him going. Realizing he did all of that for nothing hurts so much that even breathing feels like too much for him. Buck is exhausted, and for once, he chose the easy option: he stopped fighting. He gave up. 

“You quit?”

Eddie’s voice stops Buck’s train of thoughts, and even if there’s no sign of blame or disapproval in his voice, he can’t bring himself to look at his best friend. Over time, he’s learned that Eddie is the kind of man who speaks with his eyes: his tone is always calm and neutral, but his eyes are where his emotions show. So instead of looking at his friend, Buck stares at his hands resting on his lap, too afraid of what he would find in his deep brown eyes. 

“Evan…” Eddie sighs as he sits next to him on the bed, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

The use of his first name makes Buck’s heart flutter and the light touch doesn’t help calm his heartbeat. Eddie has always been tactile, so he’s used to his touch, but there’s something different about the way he squeezes Buck’s shoulder this time. He can’t put his finger on it, but it brings tears into his eyes. Knowing that if he lets the first tear fall, he won’t be able to stop, Buck just shakes his head. He’s not sure whether he wants Eddie to leave or if he wants him to hug him and tell him it’s going to be okay. Eddie does neither.

“You can’t,” he says, softly. “You can’t give up.”

Buck sighs and lifts his head, looking at the ceiling. “I already have.”

“The Buck I know never gives up,” Eddie insists, and Buck has made up his mind, he wants him to leave. “You didn’t give up when you had your leg crushed under the truck. You didn’t give up when you spent hours in surgery. That’s not you, Ev.”

This time, the use of his first name annoys him, and he scoffs. The sound makes Eddie take his hand away from Buck’s shoulder who watches him stand up. 

As Eddie stands at his bedside, arms crossed over his chest, Buck replies, “Well, meet Buck 3.0. This one gives up because he has nothing left to fight for.”

“That’s not true,” his best friend assures him, taking a step forward. “You–”

Buck doesn’t want to hear what he has to say, so he lies down and turns his back to him, hoping Eddie gets the message. When he hears footsteps moving away, Buck thinks his friend is leaving, and he feels the urge to hold him back, but he fights it. Sometimes, Buck himself doesn’t understand what’s going on in his own head. However, Eddie doesn’t leave, as Buck lies still, looking at the bouquet of flowers Chimney brought him earlier. Stubbornly fighting tears, Buck can feel Eddie’s eyes on him. Somehow, it’s comforting, knowing that his best friend is here.

“Buck!”

Christopher’s voice echoes in the room, bright and happy, and Buck’s body instantly reacts to it. He jerks himself upright, and, even if his heart isn’t really into it, he smiles. It feels forced at first, but the second his eyes fall on the boy, Buck feels his entire body and his face relax a bit. Chris has that effect on him— no matter what he’s going through, he makes him feel better, happy.

“Hey Buddy,” Buck greets him with a brittle voice before helping him up on the bed.

“We got candy,” Maddie announces, dropping a few bags of chocolates and gummy bears on her brother’s lap.

“I got your favorites,” Christopher adds, handing Buck a bag of M&M’s.

Buck’s smile widens as he takes it. “Thank you! Wanna share?”

“Yes!”

Buck looks up at Eddie, his smile not leaving his face, silently asking for permission. His best friend looks surprised but smiles back at him and nods.

“What’s your favorite color?” He asks Chris who frowns at him.

“They all taste the same,” he replies.

“I know,” Buck sighs, rolling his eyes, “but they taste even better when they are in your favorite color.”

“No, they don’t,” the boy laughs.

“Let me guess,” Buck ignores him, looking him in the eyes as if trying to read his mind, “orange.”

Christopher laughs and shakes his head no.

“Green?”

“Blue!”

Buck smiles. “That’s my favorite too!”

“It’s okay,” Christopher says, sorting the chocolates by color, “you can take the blue ones, and I’ll take the green ones.”

The boy gives him a big smile as he hands him the candy, and Buck swoons. He’s always liked children, but Christopher is the nicest, cutest, kid he’s ever met. Buck doesn’t just like him, he loves him. He doesn’t know how it happened, but he knows one thing for sure: he would give his life for him.

“What about we just share all of them?” Buck suggests, dropping the blue candies on the bed and mixing all the colors together.

“Okay,” Chris smiles before eating a yellow candy.

“So, tell me, buddy, how was school?”

Christopher answers but his words don’t reach Buck’s brain. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Maddie and Eddie deep in conversation, whispering and looking at him, and he doesn’t like it. If they have something to tell him, why don’t they just say it to his face? He shouldn’t, but Buck focuses on them, trying to hear what they are saying. He hears a few words here and there, something about Maddie being worried and Eddie wanting to help. However, he can’t listen longer as something hits his head, bringing him back to his conversation with Christopher.

“You’re not listening,” the boy complains.

“Did you just throw candy at me?” Buck asks, squinting.

“It’s rude to listen to grown-ups’ conversations.”

“It’s rude to not answer when a grown-up asks you a question,” Buck replies, smiling.

Christopher sighs. “Yes, sorry.”

“I bet that if you throw another one at me, I can catch it with my mouth.”

Chris argues, telling Buck that he can’t play with food, but after some convincing, he does it.

“Oh!” Buck laughs after catching it with his mouth.

“Dad! Did you see that?” Christopher asks.

Smiling, Eddie walks closer to the bed. “Yes, and that’s cheating.”

“What?!” Buck and Christopher exclaim at the same time.

“You’re too close,” Eddie explains, taking the bag of M&Ms from his son’s hands and walking away. “Try to catch that,” he continues, tossing a yellow one at Buck.

Caught off guard, Buck misses the candy. It bounces on his forehead and falls on his lap, making Christopher laugh.

“Hey! I wasn’t ready!” Buck complains, sitting straighter. “Try me again.”

Eddie complies, throwing a blue M&M’s up in the air towards Buck, who catches it in his mouth this time before smiling proudly.

“Can I try too?” Christopher asks after Eddie throws two more candies, Buck having caught each of them.

Shrugging, Buck helps Christopher get down off the bed. The boy walks to his father, takes the candy he hands him and throws it. It doesn’t even reach the bed and rolls on the floor. Christopher looks at it for a few seconds, dumbfounded, then bursts out laughing, joined by Eddie and Buck. For the next try, Eddie takes him in his arms and helps him aim. Buck catches it.

They stop a moment later when they’re out of candies, and Buck can’t stop smiling. However, when Eddie announces it’s time to leave because it’s getting late and Christopher as to go to school the next day, his face falls. The boy sends a sad look to his father. Looking around, Buck realizes that Maddie already left, so once Eddie and Chris are gone, it’ll just be him and his thoughts, and he’s dreading it.

“We are coming back tomorrow, don’t worry.”

Buck isn’t sure who Eddie says that to— him or Christopher— but the idea of spending more time with them makes his heart leap hopefully, and a smile spreads across his face. Again, his smile is quickly replaced by a frown as he remembers that Eddie and Christopher have a life outside this hospital— one that doesn’t include him. Buck doesn’t want to interfere with it, he doesn’t want to become a burden or anything.

“You don’t have to,” Buck quietly says, suddenly unable to look either of the Diaz’s.

“We want to,” Eddie assures, “right, Chris?”

“Yes!” The boy replies, enthusiastic.

Buck weakly smiles at them and watches them leave. He shouldn’t get his hopes up, but he’s looking forward to their next visit.

\---

Buck stays at the hospital for two more days.

Even if he feels fine, the doctor doesn’t give him a choice, and Maddie threatens to tie him up to his bed if he tries to leave, so he doesn’t argue. During these two days he is hardly alone and the constant company is distracting enough to stop him from thinking about the consequences of the decision he made– most of the time, he completely forgets he quit his job. When he does remember what he did, it feels like a bad dream, a nightmare that he can’t wake up from— so much that Buck even convinces himself that once he’s out of the hospital, he’s going to go back to work. It helps him fall asleep at night. However, when he gets discharged Buck finds himself in his empty apartment, alone with his thoughts, and reality finally sinks in.

He’s dressed and ready to leave for work when it happens the first time, his hand on the doorknob and ready to take off. One second he’s whistling and excited to meet his team at the station, and the next one he’s on the verge of crying as he realizes he’s not part of that team anymore. He is not a firefighter anymore. He worked so hard, dedicated his entire life to this job and now, he has nothing. He _is_ nothing. Buck doesn’t know how to exist nor who he is without it.

The worst thing about it all is that he’s the only one to blame. He’s the one who made the decision. He’s the one who quit when Bobby was trying to help, and he’s the one who gave up. He quickly realizes the light duty wasn’t the only reason why he quit, but the real one is way too painful, so pushes it away, locks it somewhere in his brain, and tries to forget about it.

Buck spends the rest of the day looking for distractions, hoping to find something entertaining enough to stop his brain from torturing him. He tries to finally read that book Maddie recommended to him, he tries to play that video game Hen loves, he tries to watch that cooking show Bobby takes all his recipes from, but nothing really works. No matter what he does, he gets overwhelmed by anxiety, guilt, and fear, and that feeling that his life his over makes his heart ache so badly he can’t breathe anymore. He gives up after a few hours and goes back to bed, hoping his brain would give him a break if he sleeps. However, his thoughts are too loud, his own skin feels too tight, and sleep doesn’t come. Buck turns and tosses, but eventually loses his patience and ends up staring at the ceiling.

He’s not sure how long he stays like that, and he doesn’t care. He ignores everyone’s calls and texts, and just lies in bed. Hours, days, weeks… What difference does it make anyway? The real world doesn’t need him. It needs heroes— firefighters, policemen, teachers, fathers… Buck doesn’t belong out there anymore, so why should he bother leaving his bed?

“Get up.”

The voice– which he recognizes as Eddie’s– surprises Buck, making his heart jump in his chest, but his body is too exhausted to move.

“Buck, get up,” Eddie repeats, probably thinking he wasn’t loud enough the first time.

Buck groans in answer as he turns his back to his best friend, and covers his head with the comforter. He doesn’t want to get up, he doesn’t want to see Eddie, and more than anything he doesn’t want his best friend to see him like this.

“We brought pizzas and movies,” Eddie ignores his protest.

“Just leave me alone,” Buck begs, his voice muffled by the comforter.

“No,” his friend says, his voice slightly more firm than usual. Buck has heard him use that voice on Chris a million times. “Get up.”

“I don’t want to,” Buck stubbornly states. He’s acting like a child, but he doesn’t care.

“Fine, I hope you are wearing clothes under this.”

Buck’s head peeks out from his fluffy shield and frowns at Eddie in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“We came here to spend time with you, so if you don’t want to leave your bed, Chris and I are joining you whether you like it or not,” Eddie explains with a shrug.

“You wouldn’t…” Buck sighs, but he knows he’s serious.

“Watch me,” his best friend replies with a smile before turning around and walking towards the stairs.

Buck cocks an eyebrow at Eddie, wondering if his friend is really going to do it. The man certainly has better things to do than waste his time laying in bed. He has other friends he can spend time with. 

Now that he thinks about it, he and Eddie don’t have much in common except for their work. They actually are so different that they would never have been friends if they didn’t meet at the station and weren’t part of the same team. Where Buck is impulsive and childish, Eddie is thoughtful and mature. They’re opposites, and the only thing that was bringing them together is gone. It’s only a matter of time before Eddie comes to the same conclusion. Soon, Eddie is going to realize what a failure and how worthless he is and won’t want him in his life or Chris’ anymore. Buck is going to be devastated– just thinking about it already hurts– but he can’t blame him. He’s a poor example for the boy, weak and useless. 

“I hope the pizza has extra cheese,” he tells Eddie, instead of letting his thoughts get out of hand. Buck wants to enjoy this friendship while it lasts.

Eddie stops in the middle of the stairs, shakes his head, then disappears downstairs, laughing. The rich sound still rings in Buck’s ears as he sits up on his bed, putting a smile on his face. Buck tries not to think about it too much.

A few minutes later, Eddie and Chris are settled on each side of Buck as they share a pizza, and the boy talks about his day at school. Buck listens to him, his smile never leaving his face, and even asks questions, genuinely interested. Most kids don’t like school, but Christopher loves it, so he talks about it with so much enthusiasm that it’s easy to forget about everything else. After everything he went through, the nine-year-old still lives his life to the fullest and smiles; Buck admires that.

“What about your day, dad?” Chris asks once he’s done talking about school.

Buck feels Eddie tense next to him as his own breath catches in his throat. On one hand, he wants to hear about his best friend’s day because he cares about him and wants to know about his life. Buck doesn’t want to be alienated from that part of his life, no matter how much it hurts. Being a firefighter was his entire life, yes, but it’s part of Eddie’s life, too, and he wants to make sure that his friend knows he’s here for him. He wants to be supportive, and he wants to listen to him because he knows how exhausting– both mentally and physically– this job can be on a person.

On the other hand, though, Buck just wants to forget about all of it— about being a firefighter. He knows that listening to Eddie talk about the lives they saved today, about the team that Buck isn’t part of anymore, would hurt too much. He can already feel the pain and heartbreak in his body. His heart stops beating at Chris’ innocent question before breaking into millions of tiny pieces that Buck couldn’t put back together if he tried. There’s a lump in his throat that makes swallowing difficult, and his hands are shaking so much that he has to tuck them underneath his legs so the father and son won’t notice.

“It’s getting late,” Eddie announces after a few seconds of silence. “We should start the movie now.”

Buck welcomes the change of subject with a sigh of relief he hopes goes unnoticed, but of course, Eddie notices. He puts his hand on Buck’s thigh, and subtly squeezes it as he stands up to go back downstairs. The gesture is his friend’s way of comforting him, Buck knows it, and he would be lying if he said it didn’t work. It’s insane, the strong effect his friend’s hands have on his entire body: head, heart, and skin. Thankfully, Buck can’t give it much thought as Chris moves closer to him, hugging his side as soon as they are alone.

Buck smiles down at him. “Please tell me you picked the movie.”

“I did,” the boy smiles, “we’re watching Toy Story.”

Christopher has made him watch it a thousand times already, but Buck doesn’t mind. He knows it’s the boy’s favorite.

“Good. Your dad has bad tastes in movies,” Buck complains, shaking his head.

“Talking about me?” Eddie asks as his son bursts out laughing, standing on top of the stairs with Buck’s laptop.

“Yes,” Christopher answers before Buck can open his mouth. “You have a bad taste in movies.”

“I do not,” his best friend disagrees, placing a hand over his heart as he fakes hurt.

Buck can’t help but laugh at how bad Eddie is at acting. “Yes, you do.”

“Hey,” Eddie starts in a warning tone that Buck doesn’t believe for a second, as he puts the laptop down on the bedside table, “don’t turn my own son against me!”

“But it’s true, dad,” Christopher laughs.

“Take that back.”

As Eddie approaches his son with a menacing frown that is so forced it makes him look like a villain from some cartoon, Chris yelps and laughs, scooting closer and hiding his face behind Buck’s back.

“Take that back,” Eddie says again, kneeling on the bed before he jumps towards his son and starts tickling him.

Buck moves to the other side of the bed and watches the scene with a fond smile. Christopher is wiggling, trying to escape his father, but he’s laughing so hard that he fails while Eddie tickles him mercilessly.

“Buuucky, help,” the boy begs, and his father looks at Buck with a raised eyebrow, challenging him. “Please!”

Buck takes up his best friend’s challenge without hesitation, his doubts and thoughts kept at bay by the fence his best friend’s company, laughs, and smiles have built around it. He ignores how sore his legs are from the lack of movement and exercise, gets up from the bed, and walks around it to grab Eddie’s ankle. He pulls at it to put some distance between the father and his son, but despite being shorter, his best friend has always been stronger than him, so he doesn’t move. Buck decides to adopt another strategy, the same one Eddie’s using on Chris and reaches for the other man’s waist.

He feels Eddie’s body stiffen under his hands, but when he starts tickling him, he doesn’t move nor laugh. His friend shoots him a cocky grin over his shoulder.

“Dad, stop,” Christopher says breathless, “feet,” he adds and Buck frowns in confusion.

However, when he understands what the boy means, he doesn’t think about it twice. Buck goes on the bed, sits on Eddie’s legs to stop him from moving and grabs his ankle again. As soon as Buck’s fingers touch the arch of his foot, his best friend becomes a giggling mess. His body shakes uncontrollably as he wails and laughs. It’s so hilarious that Buck can’t help but join in. After a short while, Eddie is the one who surrenders and Buck gives a high five to Christopher before freeing his friend’s leg and rolling on the bed to catch his breath, laying on his back. His moment’s rest doesn’t last, though. One second he sees Christopher and Eddie exchange a conspiratorial look, and the next both of them are on him, tickling him relentlessly.

“Not fair,” Buck breathes out, “stop.”

“What’s the magic word?” The boy asks.

“Please?” Buck tries.

Christopher stops tickling him, smiling broadly at him, but Eddie tickles him harder.

“I said please!” Buck defends himself.

“You also said that I have a bad taste in movies,” the other man reminds him, giving him a few seconds to breathe.

“Say sorry,” Christopher whispers into his ear.

“But it’s true, lying is bad,” Buck replies, and Eddie starts tickling him again, so he finally gives up. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry!”

The delightful torture finally ends as Eddie stops, pats his chest, and stands up. Panting, he lies on his back, his jaw hurting from smiling so much and his belly aching from laughing so hard.

“Okay, everyone under the covers!” Eddie announces. “Let’s watch that movie.” 

Settled between his two best friends, Buck watches the movie and, like every time they watch Toy Story, he delivers Woody’s lines while Christopher recites Buzz Lightyear’s. It’s been a while since he’s felt this calm and peaceful. He’s almost happy.

About an hour later, Christopher stops talking and when Buck looks down at him, he sees that the boy is asleep in his arms. He turns to Eddie to tell him Chris is asleep, careful not to wake the kid up, but he finds that he’s asleep too. A fond smile spreads across his face and his heart beats a little faster at the sight. Buck considers waking him up and telling him to go home, but he doesn’t want to. It may be a bit selfish, but he wants to keep them with him a little longer. He wants to feel like he belongs in their family, even if it’s more a wish than a fact.

After closing his laptop’s lid, Buck puts it on the bedside table and settles on the bed more comfortably. As he lies down on his side, holding Christopher in his arms, he feels Eddie move closer behind him until he’s spooning him.

That night, for the first time in what feels like forever, Buck’s sleep is free from bad thoughts and restful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kuddos are always appreciated and cherished, your love and support are what keep me writing! ♥
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox or just yell at me!


	2. Chapter 2

After that night, it becomes a routine: Eddie and Christopher show up at Buck’s every Friday night with food and movies, and they share his bed. It’s nice, really. It helps Buck feel a bit less alone, and he looks forward to their weekly visits. They aren’t the only ones who visit him. The rest of the team, Athena, and Maddie all stopped by at least once during the last month, but it’s different. There’s something more special and precious about the moments he spends with his two best friends. As time passes by and Buck still struggles to adapt to his life without firefighting, these instants are what keeps him going.

Deep down, he knows it’s not really healthy, and he should find something else to help him cope, but he doesn’t have the strength to do that. So, he desperately hangs on to the only happy thing in his life right now, and ignores the little voice in his head telling him that it’s not going to last. Most of the time, it’s easy, all he has to do is think about Eddie and Chris, but sometimes that voice is impossible to ignore. When he can’t push it away, it traps Buck in his own mind and makes him feel empty inside. It leaves him with a hole in his chest, that is filled with thoughts that Buck knows are irrational, but he always ends up believing them anyway. They bring tears he doesn’t hold back in his eyes and keep him awake at night.

Today isn’t a good one for Buck. He wakes up from a nightmare in which he was a firefighter again but couldn’t do the work right, so while he misses his job– just like every day– the dream forces him to think about a thing that he’s carefully avoided so far: the real reason why he quit. He buried it so deep that he forgot it, but that nightmare is the proof that his brain didn’t. 

Buck didn’t quit because he had to do light duty for a few weeks. In hindsight, he honestly understands the decision, but he was scared. He was scared of not being as good at his job as he used to be, scared to realize he wasn’t strong enough to be a firefighter anymore, and scared that something would happen to him. He was terrified and it started eating him up even before his talk with Bobby, so instead of risking one of his fears coming true, he quit. 

He didn’t think about it, he acted on doubt and fears, hidden behind a wall of anger and disappointment, and finally admitting it to himself only makes him hate himself more. He knew the risks before, but they never stopped him, yet he was now paralyzed by fear. When did adrenaline stop being enough? When did he become so weak? Such a coward?

Caught up in his thoughts, Buck stays in bed all day and only realizes it’s Friday when he hears Eddie’s voice downstairs, calling his name. His head spins when he stands up too quickly, but he ignores it. He hastily wipes his tears away, and forces a smile. He takes a deep breath before walking down the stairs.

“Buck!” Christopher welcomes him warmly.

“Hey, buddy!” Buck tries to sound as excited as the boy is, but his voice sounds wrong even to his own ears.

“Are you okay?” Eddie instantly worries.

Buck’s heart stops at the question and his eyes burns with fresh tears threatening to spill, but he nods in answer. Thankfully, Eddie doesn’t insist, offering him a quick comforting hug followed by a warm smile that makes Buck feel hopeful. He feels like he’s going to be okay. Spending time with his two best friends is exactly what he needs right now, so his day can only get better.

Buck realizes how wrong he was hours later, as he lies awake in his bed while Eddie and Christopher are sound asleep. It’s the first time in weeks that he can’t sleep on a Friday. He’s spent all night trying to focus on his best friends, on the food and on the movie, but nothing worked. He’s been on edge all along, holding back tears and fighting his thoughts away.

After tossing and turning for hours, Buck just gives up on sleep. Careful not to wake up the father and his son, he gets out of bed, walks down the stairs, and sits in the kitchen, surrounded by darkness. Sighing, he rests his elbows on the island and takes his head in his hands, putting pressure on his skull in a vain attempt to relieve the throbbing headache. 

His brain is running a mile an hour, overwhelming Buck with questions he doesn’t have answers to. After a short while, one comes back again and again: what is he going to do with his life now? The more it echoes in his head, the more he feels lost and helpless. He’s spent his entire life working hard to be a firefighter, there never was another option, so how could he know what to do now? What if he never finds something that makes him feel like being a firefighter did? What if he never feels so alive and useful ever again? How can he be okay with that? How is he supposed to move on? Why—

“Can’t sleep?”

Buck sighs at the sound of Eddie’s husky voice, but doesn’t look at him. Not trusting his own voice, Buck shakes his head in answer. There’s a lump in his throat and added to the way he’s shaking, that would give him away immediately. It’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to his best friend, but he’s tired. Buck’s tired of feeling this turmoil of fears and emotions that is slowly killing him inside, he’s tired of having Eddie comforting him– he’s done it so many times already he’s probably wondering why he’s friends with Buck– and he’s tired of being tired, worried, and scared all the time. He wishes it would all stop.

“Ev,” Eddie whisper softly, soothingly caressing his back as he sits on the stool next to Buck, “what’s wrong? And don’t tell me you’re fine,” he adds before Buck can open his mouth to reply. “I know you’re not, you weren’t here with us tonight. You were stuck here,” he says, lightly tapping his index on the blonde’s head.

Sometimes Buck wishes his friend wasn’t so perceptive and didn’t know him so well. It surely would make his life easier right now because the last thing he wants is for Eddie to see the mess he really is.

“I know it’s hard, but you are alive,” his best friend speaks again when Buck stays silent, moving closer to him. “You almost died twice within the last few months, but you didn’t.”

“Maybe I should have,” Buck replies in a hoarse voice.

Eddie takes a deep breath. “Don’t say that.”

“Why? My life is over anyway.”

“It’s not. I know it feels like that, but it’s not,” his friend assures him, but Buck has a hard time believing his words.

“How do you know?” The words come out harsher than he meant to, so Buck breathes deeply through his nose, in and out. He knows Eddie is trying to be understanding but the fact that he pretends to know what Buck is going through annoys him. “You still get to get up and go do your dream job. I don’t.”

“Being a firefighter isn’t my dream job, Buck,” Eddie announces, surprising Buck who looks at him for the first time since he joined him in the kitchen. He didn’t know that. “Being a soldier was. I knew I wanted to fight for my country when I was seven, and I did it for a while. I enlisted as a medic and did multiple tours in Afghanistan. It felt amazing, meaningful, but it got taken away from me, so I became a firefighter. I’ve been where you are right now, so trust me, it gets better.”

“It’s different, though,” Buck argues, shaking his head again. “You had a family, you had a son. This job is all I have… who I am.”

At the mention of Christopher, Eddie’s eyes fall on his hands, avoiding Buck’s. When their eyes meet again, a few seconds later, Eddie’s are shining with what Buck thinks is shame.

“Can I tell you a secret?” His best friend asks, and Buck nods. “I didn’t want to be a father, I didn’t want Chris. I just wanted to be a soldier.”

“You–” Buck tries to speak, but shock stops the words from coming out. “But you’re such a great dad!”

Eddie smiles at Buck, obviously touched. “I was so scared when Shannon told me that she was pregnant that I reenlisted. I love Chris more than my own life, but it took a lot of time and mistakes to get there. I had a hard time coming to terms with losing my job in the army, losing a part of myself.”

Buck stays silent, taking a few minutes to process everything his best friend just told him. Something in the way he said that, tells Buck that it’s not a subject Eddie likes to talk about and that not a lot of people know about that. Buck would never have suspected it, his relationship with Christopher is so sweet, so real, and perfect… 

Buck guesses it’s true: the ones who smile the brightest are the ones who suffered the most. Eddie and Christopher prove that to him every day. And who knows, if Eddie managed to overcome something similar, maybe Buck can do it too? He surely wants to try.

“How did you do it?” Buck asks, genuinely curious. “How did you move on and get back on your feet after losing a part yourself?”

“It took time, but I realized I never lost it in the first place,” Eddie replies. “Being a soldier will always be a part of me, and being a firefighter will always be a part of you. But it’s not who you are, it’s not what defines you. You’re so much more than a firefighter, Evan.”

As always, the use of his real name, makes Buck’s heart flutter. He looks at his best friend, and the second their eyes meet, he’s overwhelmed by the sincerity and honesty he finds in them. If his brain could easily have tricked him into thinking that Eddie’s words were just that, words, empty ones. There’s no way it can convince him that his best friend doesn’t mean that, now that he’s looking in his eyes— they never lie. 

As tears threaten to fall, all Buck wants to do is hug the man. So he stands up and does it. He wraps his arms around Eddie’s neck and pulls him to his chest as his friend’s arms settles around his waist. His best friends hugs him tight until Buck pulls away.

“Besides,” Eddie says after they pull away, “you haven’t lost it, your dream job. You could do light duty then be a firefighter again. You don’t have to move on, yet, you just have to stop being childish and pouting because they want to put you on light duty.”

Buck gasps as fear overcome him again, stronger than before, so he decides to hide behind the first lie he can think about.

“I quit. They won’t let me come back,” he states, walking toward the couch. He gets there easily, his eyes got used to the dark a long time ago.

“You never officially quit,” Eddie replies, joining him on the couch. “Bobby didn’t tell anything to Chief Alonzo, just that you needed time to recover.”

Buck squints, searching his memory, but he doesn’t remember writing a letter of resignation. So Eddie is right, he never officially quit, he’s still a firefighter even if it’s in name only. That’s as relieving as it is scary. He can have his job back, and just thinking about it creates a knot in his stomach. His hands start shaking and it’s getting harder to breathe.

“Everyone misses you,” Eddie announces, sitting next to Buck, “but I think Bobby is the one that misses you the most, he’s covering for you because he hopes you’ll change your mind. We all do.”

“I can’t go back to work,” Buck breathes out, “I looked Bobby right in the eyes and resigned, how isn’t that official?”

Eddie sighs, and reading Buck like an open book, he asks, “What’s really going on, Buck? I thought you wanted your job back.”

“I do,” Buck insists, resting his head against the back of the couch before deciding to lean forward and settle his forearms on his thighs.

“But?” His friend encourages him, copying his position so he can look at his face.

Buck avoids his eyes. “I’m scared, okay? I’m so fucking scared.”

He finally says it, and the words have never been more true. Buck feels the fear stronger than he ever did, twisting his insides and paralyzing his body. He can’t move away from Eddie nor look at him, and he can’t hold back his tears anymore. All he can do is sit here and cry. A sob escapes his lips as he covers his face with his hands in a stupid attempt to hide his tears from Eddie.

“I’m so scared, Eddie,” he repeats, and his voice breaks.

A part of him expects Eddie to laugh at him or at least to ask him why he’s so frightened by that job that means everything to him and which he wanted back so bad before that became a real option. But his best friend doesn’t mock him, and he doesn’t question him either, because he already knows.

“You almost died in the line of duty. There would be something seriously wrong with you if you weren’t scared,” Eddie declares, moving closer to Buck.

Eddie takes him in his arms, gently pulling him until he rests against the back of the couch, his side pressed against Eddie’s. Buck lets him hold him in his arms, as tears keep rushing down his cheeks. He doesn’t even bother to wipe them away.

“It’s not just that,” he confesses once he’s done sobbing and feels like he can speak again. “What if I can’t do it again? What if I’m not good enough anymore?”

Eddie soothingly caresses his arm. “Why would you even think that? I trust you with my life, Ev. There’s nobody in this world I trust with my son more than you. You can do it, and you’ll always be good enough. It’s okay to be scared, but don’t doubt yourself. I’ve got your back, and I know you’ve got mine.”

Buck nods against Eddie’s chest, amazed by how his best friend always says exactly what he needs to hear. Eventually, Buck has no tears left to cry, and he just feels exhausted, drained. He closes his eyes and lets Eddie’s voice lull him to sleep with soft, reassuring words.

When he wakes up the next morning, the first thing he notices is that he’s alone on the couch. The second one is a piece of paper blocking his sight– a sticky note informing him that Eddie and Chris had to leave but didn’t want to wake him up. And the third one is another sticky note on his chest, above his heart.

_It’s okay to be scared, Evan._

\---

It takes some time but after more encouraging notes from Eddie– hidden all over his place along with drawings from Christopher that he puts on his fridge– and a long talk with Bobby, Buck makes a decision. He calls Chief Alonzo and agrees to do light duty. The man is hesitant at first, but, filled with confidence thanks to all the support he’s been shown lately, Buck does his best to convince him. He insists on the fact that his health won’t be an issue and even tries to reach the chief’s soft side by telling him how much he misses his team, his family. 

The call ends with no proper answer, but Buck is fairly confident he’ll get his job back, eventually. However, he doesn’t talk about it to anyone, not even Eddie or Maddie. Not that he’s worried it would bring bad luck, but he doesn’t want to disappoint them. So, Buck keeps his mouth shut and keeps his thoughts in check by working out. He’s careful to not push himself too much but still spends his days at the gym until he feels so tired and sore that the physical pain stops his brain from torturing him while he waits for the Chief to call him back.

The suspense ends three days later. Buck is walking out of the gym, ready to go home when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He almost drops it when he sees the caller ID on the screen, but he takes a deep breath and answers. Chief Alonzo doesn’t bother with formalities and goes straight to the point: he made arrangements, and Buck will be a fire marshal for a few weeks after which, maybe, he’ll have his job back with the 118. Buck bites his lower lip to stop himself from squealing in happiness and politely thanks the chief before he indulges himself with a few, clumsy dance moves.

_You’ve got this_ , he tells himself, _you can do it._

A smile spreads across his face when he realizes that these are words he found in Eddie’s handwriting on sticky notes over the last week. Looking at the phone still in his hand, Buck considers calling his best friend to break the news to him, but the station isn’t that far from the gym, so he puts the device back in his pocket and decides to pay Eddie, and the whole team a visit.

Once he’s standing outside the station after leaving his car in the parking lot, Buck feels stupid for being so afraid of coming back. This is his home more than his apartment is. This is where he belongs, and he’s going to be the best fire marshal Chief Alonzo has ever seen and be back here, as a firefighter, as soon as he can. Eddie was right, he doesn’t have to move on from all of this just yet. He’s so glad this part of his life isn’t over yet.

As he walks into the station, between red trucks, Buck can’t fight the happy grin spreading across his face. The hard days are over, and he’s going back to his family soon; he’s on cloud nine. However, he doesn’t stay there long. The fall is quick yet it feels like time slows down as the world seems to be falling apart around him.

When he passes by the racks where the gear is stocked, he sees tape covering his name– all of it except for the B, changing it from Buckley to Baden. Buck ignores the way his heart stops beating for a millisecond before painfully pounding in his chest. He tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a name, just gear, and just a locker, so he shakes his head and keeps walking until a voice catches his attention.

“Everything okay, Ev?”

Buck’s smile is back in his lips as he recognizes Eddie’s voice coming from the gym. He turns around to walk to his best friend and opens his mouth the answer but when his eyes fall on Eddie, no words come out, and he freezes, his mouth hanging open. Settled on the bench press, his friend is looking at another man– blonde, tall and muscular– who is massaging his thigh, like he just hurt himself. Buck’s heart breaks when he realizes Eddie wasn’t talking to him and just called a stranger by his nickname. _Ev_.

“Yeah, all good, bro,” the man replies with a flirty grin.

“Doesn’t look like it,” Eddie argues. “Let me take a look at it, Baden.”

The name sounds familiar to Buck, but his ears are ringing and tears burn his eyes, so it takes him a few minutes to remember that it’s the name covering his on the racks, underneath his locker. He stands still, fighting his tears as he watches the man roll his eyes as he walks toward Eddie. The man pushes the material of his shorts up, and when Eddie puts his hands on his thigh, checking his muscles like he did many times for him before, Buck feels the first tear spill and his hands turn into fists as his jaw set. Anger, sadness, and betrayal, make his head spin and his heart breaks. His hands itch to throw punches, his feet are already walking away from the scene, and his lungs burn with air that doesn’t quite fill them.

He’s been replaced.

Buck knew they wouldn’t keep his place at the station warm for him, the job is hard enough with a full team so being one person short can quickly become dangerous and life-threatening. So, while seeing his name covered with tape hurt, he understood. He doesn’t mind being replaced at the station that much if it means his team– his family– is safe, but the man replacing him isn’t just taking his locker, he’s taking his place in the team, in his family’s lives and in Eddie’s life; he just witnessed that.

That’s what hurts the most. He’s been played by his own best friend. Does Eddie find it funny? Making him believe everyone wants him back at the station, convincing him to do light duty and assuring him that he still belongs in the team while he’s already been replaced. Buck trusted Eddie more than he has ever trusted anyone in his life, he opened up to him. He felt hopeful, worthy, and less lonely thanks to him, and now Buck doubts he’s ever been sincere.

Eddie was the one thing in his life keeping his brain in check. His presence, touch, and words were acting like a barricade, filtering his thoughts, and it just collapsed, bringing his whole world down with it. Silenced for too long, his thoughts attack him ruthlessly, starting a storm of insults, doubts, and insecurities that Buck can’t fight. He doesn’t even want to, there’s no point. He believed his work was what he was so desperate to go back to, but he was wrong— he realizes it now. Being a firefighter gave him a family and that’s what he wanted to go back to, but it’s too late now. If he hadn’t been childish and accepted light duty when Bobby first mentioned it, this would never have happened. It’s all his fault. He always ruins everything, so really, he shouldn’t be surprised.

As tears keep falling silently, every word that echoes in his head feels like a punch in the gut, bringing him closer and closer to his breaking point. It’s a fight he can’t win, so he doesn’t even try to fight it. Buck simply lets his feet carry him away from the station and from Eddie on the rhythm of his broken heart. Before he can process what he’s doing, he’s sitting at a bar, downing a glass he doesn’t even remember ordering. The way the alcohol burns his insides is a short yet welcomed distraction. As Buck isn’t much of a drinker– preferring to sip beers from time to time, but he’s never a fan of hard liquor– he quickly feels whatever was in his glass getting to his head, turning his deafening thoughts into whispers.

_The second glass silences them._

_The third one numbs his heartache._

_The fourth one makes him sick and forces him to leave the bar._

When he gets out, the light is too bright, and the noise is too loud, so he doesn’t go far. His mind deprived of common sense, he just drops to the ground and sits here, on the dirty pavement, staring into space.

He lost Eddie, his best friend. Even though Buck has lost friends before, it feels different this time. It has always hurt but losing Eddie causes more than hurt. It feels like Buck has lost a part of himself, one he can never get back. The only other time Buck felt that way was when he realized Abby wouldn’t come back, but that doesn’t make sense… Abby was his girlfriend, he was in love with her. Eddie is his best friend and—

“Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Buck feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, and when he looks up, an old lady who looks like the grandmother he wishes he had is looking down at him with a sweet smile.

“Yes,” Buck lies.

The lady smiles at him and hands him a tissue. “Why are you crying then?”

Confused, Buck reaches for his cheeks, and surely enough, he finds them soaking wet. He doesn’t know when he started crying. He isn’t even sure he ever stopped after leaving the station.

“He doesn’t care about me,” Buck sniffs loudly, taking the tissue.

He blows his nose as the woman asks, “Who?”

“Eddie,” he answers, crying harder.

“There, there, sweetie,” she says, patting his head. “Why don’t you get up?” she adds offering him her hand.

“Why?” Buck whines, taking her hand anyway. “I lost everything. My job, my family, my… Eddie,” he sobs, getting on his feet.

The woman keeps his hand in her own as her free one caresses her arm. The supposedly soothing gesture only makes him cry harder. When Buck almost loses his balance, she catches him and hugs him, he lets her hold him in her arms and closes his eyes. It feels nice.

“Buck?”

His eyes snap open when he hears his name. Athena is standing a few feet behind the nice woman, her hands on her hips. She’s wearing her uniform and a scowl, but Buck is so happy to see a familiar face that he leaves the woman’s arms and runs into hers.

“Athena!”

“What’s happening?” Athena asks, putting her hands on Buck’s shoulders and slightly pushes him away to look at his face. “Are you okay?”

Buck doesn’t reply, sobbing and hiccuping, and tries to hug her again. She doesn’t resist nor push him away this time. Athena wraps her arms around Buck’s waist and pats his back. He hears the old lady explain everything to Athena from how she found him sitting on the pavement crying to how Buck left her arms to jump into Athena’s.

“He said he lost everything,” the lady says. “He talked about his work and his family and… his Eddie? Whatever that means.”

“You—” Athena starts, but stops herself. “I’ve got this, thank you, ma'am.”

“Good luck, sweetie,” the woman says, patting Buck’s back one last time before walking away.

“Goodbye nice lady,” he responds. Buck whimpers as Athena drags him to her car. “Are you arresting me?”

Athena holds her police car’s door open, pointing at the backseat. “You’re drunk and crying into the arms of a stranger. I got half of the mind to,” she jokes, but it doesn’t register as such with Buck, based on the way his moods drops. “But I’m off duty,” she adds. “Just get in, lie down.”

Nodding, Buck obeys while Athena settles behind the wheel and starts the car. As soon as it starts moving, Buck feels a sharp pain in his head and what’s left in his stomach threatens to come out, so he sits up, puts his head on the headrest and puts his forearm on his closed eyes. After some moments pass by, he has no tears left to cry.

“I should have said yes to light duty sooner,” he says quietly, not sure if he’s talking to Athena or himself. “It’s too late now. They’ve replaced me. It’s like I was never there, like I was never part of the team. I walked in there and there was tape over my name, and Eddie has a new best friend, like I never existed. Like– like I don’t matter.”

“Come on, get out, kid.” Athena’s voice doesn’t come from the inside of the car but from his right. When Buck turns his head to look at her, he sees her holding the door open for him. “You don’t know what you’re saying, you’re drunk.”

Buck frowns in confusion, he is drunk, Athena’s right, but he’s certain she hasn’t driven long enough to be at his apartment yet. He leans forward and looks at the building behind the sergeant and immediately recognizes it: he’s back at the station. His breath catches in his throat, and refusing to go back in there, he scoots away from Athena and shakes his head. 

“Buck. Out. Now” she orders.

Athena is using that bossy voice he heard her use on her kids many times– Buck calls it her “mom voice”. He chuckles at the thought, but he has to admit that it is pretty scary.

“I’m not missing dinner for your pretty eyes,” she adds. “Bobby’s cooking.”

At the mention of the captain’s cooking, Buck’s stomach growls loudly. He’s out of the car before he can think about why he didn’t want to go back in the station in the first place. Athena laughs, closes the door behind him and drags him inside.

“So it is true. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” she says, jokingly.

Buck opens his mouth to tease her, ask her how she got Bobby if that is true, but no words come out. As they walk past the gym, all Buck can think about is the scene he witnessed earlier. Eddie using his nickname on another man, Eddie touching that same man, Eddie laughing with him… It should have been him in there instead.

Buck’s heart starts pounding again, so fast and strong that it leaves him breathless, but it’s different from before. His whole body tenses, his hands close into tight fists, and his mouth stays firmly shut as his jaw clenches. There’s a new fire burning his insides, violent and consuming. _Pure rage_. He follows Athena up the stairs looking for a fight. He surely isn’t going to stand on the side and watch Baden take everything from him— his job, his place at the station, his family, and Eddie. 

As Buck expected, the entire team is here. Bobby is cooking, Hen and Chimney are playing video games, and Eddie’s sitting on his usual seat at the table. The new guy is sitting close next to him, in Buck’s seat. It makes him boil with rage. He strides to the table, ignoring Chimney and Hen who call his name, and plants his feet next to the new guy.

“Buck!” Eddie greets him, standing up, and Buck brushes him off with a shrug, his eyes focused on Baden.

“Move,” he orders, his tone sharp and menacing as he crosses his arms over his chest.

“B—” Bobby starts but Buck’s loud angry voice cuts him off.

“That’s my seat,” he insists but the new guy doesn’t move. He just looks up at Eddie like some lost puppy. “I said move!”

Yelling, Buck moves his fist up then down, aiming for the table. The alcohol still messing with his balance, he misses the table and would have fallen if Eddie hadn’t caught him. The man’s hands are resting on his shoulders, holding him steady, and suddenly the captain is standing close to them.

“Are you drunk?” Bobby asks him, squinting disapprovingly.

Buck shakes Eddie’s hand off of him. “Yes, I am. Got a problem with that?”

“Yes!” Eddie replies.

“Why?” Bobby asks at the same time.

“I was celebrating.”

“Celebrating?” Eddie repeats, confused.

“Yep,” Buck answers, making the ‘p’ pop as he crosses his arms across his chest again. “I’m a fire marshal now! I can make you or break you,” he announces laughing.

“You did it?” Eddie sounds surprised. Maybe he really never believed in Buck after all. 

“I would have told you earlier if you weren’t so busy gushing over your new buddy here,” he snaps, “calling him Ev and massaging his thigh.”

Eddie lowers his head, avoiding looking at Buck– who takes it as a victory– in the eyes. He even takes a step back, getting out of Buck’s personal space. “I–”

“That’s awesome, bro!”

Having been focused on Eddie, Buck only notices that Baden is standing next to him when he feels the man’s hand touching his shoulder. He pushes him away, violently.

“I’m not your _bro_ , fuck off,” Buck growls.

“Buck,” he hears Hen say, “he’s just being nice.”

“Here’s some advice. Enjoy it while it lasts because soon, I’ll have my job back and you’ll be back to wherever the fuck you came from,” he continues, taking an intimidating step forward.

“Buck, that’s enough,” Bobby interferes, stepping between the two men.

Buck laughs bitterly. “Sure, take his side, Bobby.”

“I’m not taking anyone’s side,” Bobby argues, “but I won’t tolerate violence.”

“Let's get you home, Buck,” Chimney offers.

Buck sends him a dark look. “Why? Can’t wait to get rid of me?”

“No one said that,” Hen points out.

“You know what? It’s fine, I’m leaving.”

Buck feels miserable as soon as he steps out of the station, but he’s still being consumed by anger and hurt, and he’s too proud to turn around and apologize. So he walks away, one step at a time, putting distance between himself and the traitors he once called family. 

_Family…_ Buck chuckles humorlessly at the word. He thought they were different from his real family, but they’re just like them: they don’t care about him. They never did.

He’s only a few feet away from the station when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He considers ignoring it, but before he can stop it, his hand takes the phone out of his pocket and unlocks it out of habit. A text from Eddie appears on the screen.

Eddie: _Drink water before sleeping, you’ll feel better tomorrow._

Buck snickers and type his answer. 

Buck: _Oh so now you care about how I feel._

Eddie: _I always have, always will._

Buck: _Liar. You’ve replaced me, you’re not my best friend anymore._

Eddie’s answer comes right away. 

Eddie: _You don’t mean that. You’re drunk and angry. Even if I don’t understand why._

Buck: _You don’t understand why? You replaced me Eddie!!!_

Eddie: _Let’s talk about this later. I’ll come see you after my shift, I promise._

Buck: _Don’t bother._

Even though his phone buzzes a few more times, announcing new texts, Buck ignores it. He shoves it back into his pocket and keeps walking. 

He ends up in a cab and once he’s back in his apartment, he goes straight to the couch. He lies down, the world spinning and falling apart.

Buck goes through the rest of the evening, feeling numb and dead inside. Eddie doesn’t show up.

The next morning, Buck wakes up on his couch, barely remembering how he got here. His head is pounding, his eyelids are heavy, his mouth is dry, and he feels exhausted. Yet, the hangover isn’t what makes him run to the bathroom as his stomach violently clenches. The flood of memories from the previous day is. Everything comes back to him in a disorderly way, bits and pieces not following any chronological order, as he empties his already empty stomach in the toilets. The acid liquid burns his throat and brings tears into his eyes.

Once he’s done, he doesn’t even have the strength to move, so he just sits here, on the cold floor, and closes his eyes, breathing heavily. If he thought he hated himself before, he’s now completely disgusted by himself and by what he did. He had his reasons, but they were all wrong. No matter how betrayed or sad or angry he was feeling he never should have let his emotions take control of him like that. Sure, the alcohol didn’t help, but he’s the only one to blame. The way he treated his team… The way he treated Eddie…

As the image of his best friend flashes behind his eyelids, his insides twisted in guilt. He isn’t sure why, he still doesn’t remember everything clearly, but he feels the urge to apologize to Eddie. Buck doesn’t hesitate. He takes his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it, ready to type his apology. However, the words staring back at him stop him in his tracks.

_You don’t mean that either._

_I’m coming later, I promise._

A new storm of emotions rises inside his chest: hurt when he remembers that Eddie didn’t hold his promise, self-hatred when he scrolls down and reads the texts they exchanged the previous night, loss when he realizes his friendship with Eddie really is over. Buck jumps from emotion to emotion relentlessly until they merge into one: anguish. Just when he thinks it can’t get worse, a thought crosses his mind. He hasn’t just lost Eddie, he’s lost Christopher too.

_What has he done?_

The pain that pierces his chest is more than he can take. Buck screams, but his voice his muffled by sobs that make his body shake intensely as uncontrollable tears race down his cheeks. He doesn’t fight it. He lets the tears fall and his body shake until he’s left drained of energy. Eventually, his sorrow turns into numb constant heartache and his anger into sweet bitterness which gives him enough peace to fall asleep on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kuddos are always appreciated and cherished, your love and support are what keep me writing! ♥
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox or just yell at me!


	3. Chapter 3

Buck spends the next two days in the darkness of his apartment. He wanders aimlessly, dead inside, and alienated from his own life and feelings. He washes the smell of alcohol off of his body, puts on clean clothes and orders food that he only eats because his stomach is twisting with hunger when his survival instinct kicks in, but the fog wrapped around his brain and heart keeps him in a dazed state. Buck is a shell of himself, a ghost.

The only reason why he knows it’s been two days is because, all of a sudden, Eddie is standing next to his bed. It’s kind of funny how he doesn’t remember getting into his bed, but he senses but recognizes the man’s presence before he even speaks. Buck sighs, turns his back to Eddie and just waits. He waits for Eddie to yell at him. He waits for him to lecture him about his attitude at the station because Buck knows he deserves it and the man never hesitated to call him out. Yet Eddie stays silent and looks at him– Buck feels his eyes burn holes in his back. 

He doesn’t move, though, telling himself that if he stays still long enough, the man will just leave. 

But it doesn’t happen. Eddie doesn’t leave. He moves even closer. The bed shifts when he sits down next to Buck and puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly in his signature comforting move. The touch unlocks something in Buck, a spark that slowly grows. It isn’t pain nor anger, though. It’s not that strong. It’s a mix of annoyance and something Buck can’t quite define.

“Why are you here?” Buck asks with a croaky voice, shaking Eddie’s hand away.

“It’s Friday,” Eddie replies, trying to touch him again. “Are you okay? Are you sick? Do you need anything?”

Buck doesn’t answer at first, getting more and more annoyed by Eddie’s kindness. A part of him wants Eddie to be mad at him, to yell at him even. He isn’t sure why, he just knows that it would make things easier. So he lets his irritation run through his veins and focuses on it.

“Just leave me alone, Eddie. Go to your new best friend,” Buck snarls. “He’s so nice. I bet he is smart and funny too, much more than I am.”

“Evan, you–”

“Don’t,” Buck stops him.

He makes sure to keep his back turned to Eddie, refusing to look at him in the eyes even though he wants to. He’s scared about what he would find in them, and he isn’t sure what would be worse. Displeasure and disappointment, or concern and worry. Probably the latter. Deep down, Buck knows that’s what is making Eddie’s eyes shine right now and he can’t handle it. It makes him feel like there’s still hope, that their friendship isn’t completely ruined. There was a time when Buck would have held onto that hope like it was a lifeline, when he was desperate for it, but he’s been burnt one too many times. He hoped and fell short. He trusted and got stabbed in the back. He doesn’t have the strength to do it all again. Buck’d rather keep falling and falling down the pit of misery he put himself into than take his chances and be disappointed again. That would only make the fall longer and more painful, so he pushes Eddie away to save himself from hurting again.

“Evan,” Eddie calls him softly as the bed moves.

Buck hears footsteps and suddenly, deep hazel eyes are staring at him. Buck’s breath catches in his throat when he sees what he feared to find in them: genuine concern and worry. When he tries to turn around to avoid them, Eddie’s hand firmly presses against his arm, stopping him.

“Look at me, please,” he begs, moving his hand to his face so Buck doesn’t look away, “I don’t care about Everett, he’s just a teammate, a temporary one. You are my best friend. You, Evan, and no one else. Never.”

Buck has no choice but to look into Eddie’s eyes, and finds nothing but honesty and loyalty in them which makes what he’s about to do even harder. More painful. But he has to, he can’t do it all over again. He has to protect himself. He thinks about it as a band aid he needs to remove. One quick pull hurts, but it hurts less than slowly taking it off and the pain is more ephemeral.

“Maybe I don’t want to be your friend. Have you thought about that?” He growls lowly.

Buck forces himself to hold Eddie’s eyes when all he wants to do is look away, so he doesn’t have to see the hurt in them. He also forces himself to stay still when he wants to reach out and hug Eddie. He has to do it, he has to protect himself.

“What’s going on, Ev?” Eddie whispers and the nickname rubs Buck the wrong way. Flashbacks from that day at the station when Eddie called the new guy ‘Ev’ invade his brain and Buck swats his hand away from his face. The feeling of betrayal and the hurt from it growing stronger.

“Don’t call me that!” he snaps. “Keep it for your new best friend.”

“E—” Eddie begins, his hand reaching out for Buck’s face.

“No!” Buck yells, pushing his hand away. “Get out! Leave me alone. I don’t want you in my life anymore,” he announces, his voice quieter but his tone sharp.

If Buck had punched Eddie, the man would look less hurt. Eddie stares at him with his mouth agape, his eyes shining with suffering and longing. Buck knows he’s hurting him– and a part of his brain is yelling ‘serves you right’– but he’s making the right choice. He’s protecting himself, and if he doesn’t do it, who will? Eddie’s jaw tenses as he stands up and takes a few steps back.

“If that’s what you want, Buck…” He sighs looking everywhere but at Buck. “But what about Christopher? Are you even thinking about him right now? He’s downstairs with pasta from your favorite place and a movie he picked just for you. He’s even made a drawing for you because he’s proud of you. He looks up to you. He loves you,” Eddie continues, sending Buck a glare. “You don’t want me in your life anymore? Fine, you won’t have to see me ever again, but don’t do that to him. Don’t hurt him like that. Don’t abandon him.”

Buck opens and closes his mouth a few times, no words coming out. The truth is that he didn’t think about Christopher, he didn’t think about anything, really, except himself. But now that he thinks about it, Eddie’s right: he can’t abandon the boy. Not after everything he’s been through, not after Shannon.

“I won’t… I would never. I love him like my own blood.” Buck confesses, “I would never hurt him.”

“Then don’t disappear from his life,” Eddie pleads.

“I never planned to.”

Eddie breathes slowly. “But you want to disappear from mine… Why?”

“You don’t need me, Eddie,” Buck replies quietly, taking a moment to gather the courage to say the lie that formed in his head, “and I don’t need you either.”

“You– Never mind. I’m going to tell Chris that you’re sick and I’ll have my abuela call you to make arrangements for Christopher to visit you.”

“Okay,” Buck simply says, because what else would he add?

Eddie turns around and walks towards the stairs. Buck urges himself to watch him leave, punishing himself but also to make his brain process what he has just done. When Eddie stops after a few steps and looks at him above his shoulder, Buck’s heart breaks even more. The other man isn’t crying but Buck can’t miss the way his eyes are shining, wet with unshod tears. He needs to leave before Buck changes his mind.

“Adios, Evan,” Eddie says, “Te extrañaré,” he adds in a whisper before walking down the stairs again.

Buck doesn’t even try to understand what that means, his brain too busy fighting with itself. On one hand, he knows he made the right decision. After everything that has happened lately, pushing Eddie away is the best way Buck can protect himself and his heart. On the other hand, though, he feels like he just made the biggest mistake of his life. As both sides clash, making his headache worse, Buck turns in his bed, laying on his back.

He lies there, staring at the darkness surrounding him as he tries to convince himself that he made the right choice. However, the more he thinks about it, the more confused he gets, so much that he doesn’t even understand himself anymore. 

Would he have done the same if it had been Chimney or Hen or Bobby instead of Eddie? Would he have pushed them away too? He ponders these questions for a long while, but no matter what comes up into his mind, the answer is always the same: No. Weirdly enough, the only person he feels the need to protect himself from is the one he loves the most. That’s when it hits him. 

He isn’t protecting himself from Eddie and a hypothetical new betrayal, he’s protecting himself from himself. From his feelings.

_Maybe I don’t want to be your friend_.

His own voice echoes in his head in a loop. He said that to hurt Eddie, to make him go away, but as his mind plays it over and over again, Buck starts to believe these words hold a truth he’s not ready to admit just yet. They lull himself to sleep, his exhaustion taking over but as his eyes close, he can’t stop the whisper that escapes his lips:

“I want to be more.”

\---

Chief Alonzo decides to postpone Buck’s return to the 118 a while longer. After five weeks, Buck still is stuck being a fire marshal, and even if he doesn’t rejoin his team as fast as he’d like, Buck is doing well. His life is back on track. He focuses on his work, spends his Saturday afternoons with Chris at his apartment, has dinner with Maddie and Chimney once a week and has Bobby, Athena, and Hen on the phone from time to time. As long as he doesn’t think too much about Eddie, he’s fine.

Surprisingly, it’s not that hard, not thinking about him. The numbers and reports keep his brain busy enough to prevent it from leading him down a slippery slope, and he doesn’t know how much everyone knows about what happened between them, but no one asks him about it, and no one mentions the other man to him. 

However, that doesn’t make Eddie completely disappear from his life. Proof of his existence and what they once had still are scattered around his apartment. Within the weeks that have passed since the man walked out of his place and his life, Buck has found dozens of sticky notes filled with Eddie’s kind, supportive words. After some time, rather than making his heart break, Buck has caught himself smiling at them. It’s a sad smile, full of regrets that Buck ignores, but it’s still an improvement.

The truth is, Buck misses his best friend and over the first few days he almost called or texted him countless times. On his first day as a fire marshal, after he got home, he reached for his phone and actually called Eddie before he could think about what he was doing. He couldn’t bring himself to hang up, so he let it ring. Once, twice… and he got sent to voicemail. It proved to him that Eddie hates him, and while it stung, the main thing he felt was acceptance. It’s what he wanted after all. It’s better like this— it keeps his heart safe. So, even though they sometimes bring tears into his eyes at night, Buck decided to keep the good memories and cherish them.

And he moved on. Or at least he tried too.

After that, the few times his mind goes awry is when he’s with Christopher. Even if the boy is careful not to talk about his father, everything about him reminds him of Eddie. But Chris must have some kind of sixth sense because every time it happens, he finds a way to bring Buck back to the present and ground him there. Be it a smile, a look, or a pat on his back, it always works.

That afternoon, Christopher decides he wants to build an entire town with Lego, so Bucks gets the brick box he keeps under his bed, moves his coffee table to the side, and they get to work. After a few hours, several towers cover the floor, each representing a very specific building even if they all look the same. While Buck is building a yellow one, supposed to be the town’s school, Christopher is playing with green bricks, building a park. 

Suddenly, he stops and sighs, catching Buck’s attention.

“What’s going on, Bud?” Buck asks, adding a brick to his tower.

“Can I ask you something?”

Buck abandons his building and looks at Christopher. The boy is looking at his hands. “Sure,” he answers.

“Even if it makes you sad?”

Buck knows where this is going, and he doesn’t like it, but he smiles anyway. He can feel is smile is stiff, but it softens when he looks at the boy who is avoiding his eyes. Buck wants Christopher to know he’s here for him, no matter what, so he crosses his legs and offers him a hand.

“Even if it makes me sad,” Buck nods.

The boy takes his hand and Buck pulls Christopher to him. Taking the hint, he sits on Buck’s legs as he holds him.

“When are you and dad going to stop fighting?”

Even though he expected it to be about Eddie, Buck didn’t expect Christopher to sound so sad. It’s so heartbreaking that he doesn’t answer right away, taking a moment to breathe slowly and deeply.

“We’re not fighting,” Buck eventually replies, holding the boy a little tighter.

“You’re not talking anymore,” Chris points out, settling his head against Buck’s chest. “I miss our sleepovers.”

“I miss them too,” Buck confesses quietly. It’s easy to lie to himself and pretend he’s alright, but he’s unable to lie to the boy. “But your dad hates me.”

Christopher wiggles out of Buck’s arms. “No he doesn’t!”

“He does. I was mean to him.”

“Bucky,” the boy says more serious than ever as he takes Buck’s face between his hands, “dad misses you.”

Buck weakly smiles. “No, he doesn’t.”

“He told me,” Christopher assures him, letting go of his face, “he’s sad, and he misses you. He cried the other day.”

The announcement makes Buck physically sick. His insides spin so swiftly and painfully that he almost throws up as air gets sucked out of his lungs. He can live with Eddie hating him, and he can live with Eddie ignoring him, but knowing that Eddie is sad because of him? That he cried because of him? That’s something he can’t live with. Buck thought that by now Eddie would have forgotten about him, it’s not like Buck was that important in his life. Eddie is the strongest person he’s ever met, he doesn’t need anyone, he can take care of himself, unlike Buck.

“He– He told you?”

“Yes. You’re his best friend, Bucky,” Chris reminds him. “Dad loves you.”

Just like that, Eddie is back into Buck’s head, life, and heart. Maybe it’s a twisted way to punish himself, but he spends the rest of his play date with Christopher asking him about his father. He can’t stop himself. The toys are long forgotten, and they’re settled in the couch, Chris sitting close to Buck. At first, the boy hesitates to answer his questions, telling him that he doesn’t want to make him sad, but Buck insists. He tells him that he’s fine, that he needs to know because Eddie is his best friend, and he cares about him. It’s enough to convince him. Christopher tells him that his dad always looks tired and sad, that he asks about him every time Chris gets back home after they’ve spent the afternoon together, and that he sometimes hides in the bathroom to cry after he tells him about Buck.

“Dad said that you were angry,” Christopher moves closer to Buck, “can you stop being angry now?” he begs him, sitting on his lap.

He wraps his arms around Buck’s middle and hugs him tight. “I’m not angry anymore. I never really was.”

“Then you can be dad’s best friend again!” The boy says full of confidence.

“I hurt him.”

“Say you’re sorry,” Christopher suggests, like it’s the easiest thing ever.

Buck shrugs, not knowing what to reply. Thankfully, a knock on the door saves him. When he looks at his watch, he notices he lost track of time, and it’s time for Chris to leave. As the boy packs his stuff into his backpack, Buck opens the door to Eddie’s abuela who gives him a big smile. Christopher says his goodbyes and before Buck closes the door behind them, he tells him again:

“Say you’re sorry.”

Buck wishes it was that simple. He wishes he could be Eddie’s best friend again just like that, tell him he’s sorry and erase everything. He wishes being friends with Eddie was enough to forget about his newfound feelings for the man, whatever they are. But he’s too far gone. Sorry wouldn’t be enough, and even if it was, now that he admitted to himself that he might feel more than friendship for Eddie, he can’t obliterate the way his heart aches for his touch, for his attention, for his... love.

The thing is, Buck despises love as much as he craves it. It scares him; loving someone, belonging to another person and having his entire life revolving around them. Putting his heart on the line that way is something Buck can’t to anymore, he knows better now.

He tried before– with Abby then more recently with Ali– but every single time, he was left heartbroken. Maybe there’s something wrong with him, maybe some people aren’t meant to be loved like Bobby and Athena, Maddie and Chimney, and Hen and Karen love each other. Maybe Buck is one of those people, so broken inside that they can’t be fixed, can’t be loved. 

Love hurts, people leave. It’s something he learned pretty early on and that became an obvious pattern in his life. His dad, Abby, Ali, even Maddie for a while. They all claimed to love him, and they all left at some point, taking a way a piece of his heart with them.

Now, Buck refuses to take any more chances. It’s safer, or at least it was before Eddie. If he’s being completely honest with himself, those feelings he has for him aren’t that new, he was just ignoring them, burying them so deep he was able to forget them most of the time. They just ended up blowing up in his face when alcohol cracked his walls. So Buck panicked, paralyzed by fear, and his instincts made him push Eddie away and hurt the man before he hurt him. 

In hindsight, and thanks to all the new information he got today, he realizes how stupid that was. Although he was trying to protect himself from heartbreak, he caused it, and he hurt the man he… He hurt Eddie in the process.

Resting his head against the door, Buck wonders if he can fix this. He’s not sure he wants to, but he’s desperate to stop hurting and to make Eddie feel better. Maybe he could call him? Try to talk to him? 

But it’s been so long, it would be weird. What would he even say? Besides, if Eddie missed him that much, he could have made the first move. The thought makes Buck snicker. He’s the one who hurt Eddie, he’s the one who should have made the first move earlier instead of pretending nothing was wrong. Seriously, wh–

Before Buck can torture himself even more, the doorbell rings, making him jump. Thinking Chris forgot something, he opens it without even checking who’s behind the door through the peephole. He can’t hide his surprise when he sees Bobby and Athena looking back at him.

Buck frowns in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“You invited us for dinner,” Athena reminds him, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“Dinner?” Buck asks, looking down at his watch. It reads six pm. “Right! Dinner! Come in.”

As he helps Bobby with the shopping bags he’s carrying, the couple sends him a weird look that Buck ignores. Bobby only accepted the invitation if he could cook and even though it made him a bit uncomfortable to let him do it, Buck wasn’t going to say no to his captain’s cooking. While the man settles in the kitchen and Athena opens a bottle of wine, Buck runs to the living room and cleans the mess Chris and him made.

“Christopher was here?” Bobby asks when he joins them in the kitchen, minutes later.

“Uh, yes, we spent the afternoon together, like every Saturday,” Buck replies settling on a stool. Athena is already sitting on the other one and Bobby just finished unpacking the groceries. “What are you making?”

“Pasta,” Bobby replies, but he doesn’t let Buck change the subject. “It’s good that you two are still in touch.”

“I guess…” Buck mutters. “I couldn’t just abandon him.”

“Glasses?” Athena asks, gesturing at the bottle of wine.

Buck stands up, and walks around the island to get them. Athena pours two glasses of wine and one of sparkling water before adding: “You love him, don’t you?”

Buck almost drops his glass at the question and his heart jumps in his chest. He’s worried for a second that Athena isn’t referring to Christopher but Eddie, but she can’t know. Buck admitted his feelings to himself recently, there’s no way she already knows.

“He’s a good kid,” Buck replies, looking at the red liquid in his glass, “of course I do.”

“Alright, Kid, play dumb,” Athena sighs before sipping at her wine.

Bobby chuckles, and Buck looks up at him. The captain walks around the kitchen like he lives here, finding everything he needs without asking. There’s something comforting about it— it makes Buck feels like they are a real family.

“How’s life as a fire marshal, son?” He asks, cutting tomatoes.

Buck sighs, relieved, and he seizes the opportunity to change the subject. It’s supposed to be a nice, friendly dinner, the last thing he wants to do is think about Christopher and Eddie and the mess he created. He’ll ponder his life choices another time.

“It’s good,” Buck shrugs, “I can’t wait to be back with the 118, though. I kind of miss getting orders from you and playing video games with Hen, I even miss Chimney’s jokes,” he continues, not really thinking about what he’s saying.

“What about Eddie?” Bobby asks.

From the corner of his eye, Buck sees Athena send her husband a conspiratorial smile as she raises her glass toward him. Buck squints at them, suspicious. His eyes go from Bobby to Athena then back and forth a few times, and they both are trying too hard to look innocent. They’ve planned this, whatever it is they are doing it’s part of a plan. And Buck doesn’t like it being played.

“What about him?” Buck retorts, pretending to fall for it.

“I know you two aren’t talking,” Bobby admits. “Don’t you miss him?”

The captain asks the question in a tone that makes Buck believe he already knows the answer to it. If he really does, why is he even bothering? Sitting next to him, Athena is uncharacteristically quiet, watching them carefully. She looks like she’s waiting for a bomb to blow up and since Buck knows for sure that there’s no bomb in his kitchen, he realizes the bomb is him. He’s the one Athena is afraid he’s going to explode, and she’s right. He feels trapped and played, and irritation makes his blood boil.

“Fine, let’s lay our cards on the table,” he snaps, putting his glass on the island with too much force, making some of the wine slosh out of the glass. “Yes I miss Eddie. He was my best friend. I feel terrible without him and I feel even worse knowing I can’t do anything about it. I lost him. I pushed him away. It’s all my fault. What are you really doing here?”

“I’m making dinner,” Bobby replies his voice calm and steady, “and I was hoping to convince you to talk to Eddie. You’re feeling terrible? You should see him, he’s been mopping since you two stopped talking.”

“Talk to him?” Buck laughs humorlessly. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me. I hurt him.”

“You hurt his feelings,” the captain points out, “that’s different.”

“How so?”

“Buck, I love you like a son,” Bobby says, looking at Buck in the eyes, “so I’m saying this with a lot of fondness: you are an idiot.”

Buck chuckles. “I– What? How am I an idiot?”

“Athena, please help me.”

“Oh no, this is too much fun,” the woman replies, finishing her glass of wine.

Bobby rolls his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Do you think I’m blind? Or stupid? I’ve seen the way you two act around each other, the looks, the touches, the smiles. It’s not just friendship.”

“What do you mean?” Buck asks, frowning.

“Oh my god, you dumbass!” Athena grunts, making Buck’s head snaps in her direction. “We know you’re in love with him!”

“And he loves you too,” Bobby adds, his eyes not meeting Buck’s as he looks for something in a drawer.

Buck sits still on his stool, dumbfounded. He’s surprised, but he doesn’t care much that Bobby and Athena know about his feelings for Eddie, it’s not like it ever was a secret, and he came out as bi to them a long time ago. If anything he’s a bit mad at himself for having been so obvious. But what Bobby just said— that Eddie loves him too? It’s the second time today someone says it to him and if he’s not careful, his dumb heart might believe it. There’s no way it’s true. Eddie is nice, smiley, and tactile with everyone. None of the smiles or hugs they shared meant more to him than friendship. Yet, Buck can’t shake of the memory of the hurt he’s seen in the man’s eyes when he pushed him away. Buck swears he almost heard Eddie’s heart break that day.

“What’s that?” Bobby asks, snapping Buck back into the conversation.

Buck lifts his head and looks at the captain who is holding a small yellow piece of paper. He is pretty sure he’s found all of Eddie’s note already, so he urges his heart to slow down.

“I thought I found them all,” Buck whispers, “Eddie, he used to hide notes all over the apartment,” he explains, nodding at his fridge covered with drawings and sticky notes.

“Looks like you missed one,” Bobby says, handing the note to Athena.

“Read it,” she prompts.

Buck stands up and takes the crumpled piece of paper from her hands. It looks old, but he has opened that drawer multiple times, and he’s positive that it wasn’t there before. He hesitates, not sure about what he’s going to find on it. A compliment? Encouragements? Buck doesn’t know what to expect, he imagines everything and nothing. However, nothing could have prepared for the words he reads, written in Eddie’s familiar handwriting.

_I love you, Ev._

Buck’s breath catches in his throat as he stumbles backwards, his butt hitting the stool hard. His hands start to shake forcefully, his eyes filling with tears, and his heart… his heart has never beaten so quickly and so strongly— never. It feels like it’s trying to get out of his chest, carried away by the butterflies that frantically flies in his belly. It’s the third time today that someone tells him Eddie loves him and if it was easy to overlook it when Chris and Bobby told him, Buck can’t turn a blind eye to it when it comes from Eddie himself. But the note is wrinkled, old, and faded, he shouldn’t get too excited, Eddie probably don’t mean it anymore.

“Wh-” He tries to talk after long minutes during which Athena and Bobby have just been staring at him. “What am I supposed to do now?”

Bobby is by his side in the blink of an eye, knife and tomatoes discarded on the kitchen island, and he puts a comforting hand on his shoulder while Athena put hers on his knee.

“You go get your man,” she smiles at him.

“But–”

“No. No buts. Let’s go,” Athena orders, grabbing her keys.

“What? Now?” Buck looks at her with wide eyes.

“Yes now,” she replies, already walking towards the door. She stops when she notices that neither Buck nor Bobby is following her. “In the car!” She yells like she would do if she was interacting with her kids.

It instantly works. One second Bobby and Buck are in the kitchen and the next they’re in Athena’s car, on the way to Eddie’s house. Maybe Buck should think this through, he doesn’t even know what he’s going to say to Eddie, but for the first time in his life, he isn’t scared.

He knows he’s making the right choice. He knows he needs to see Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kuddos are always appreciated and cherished, your love and support are what keep me writing! ♥
> 
> Find me on [ Tumblr ](https://depthandcharacter.tumblr.com) and don't hesitate to drop prompts in my askbox or just yell at me!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this and for all the support and nice comments! ♥
> 
> Here's the last chapter, hope you like it! ♥

Buck has been staring at Eddie's front door for what feels like forever when he hears Athena groan behind him before he sees her reach for the doorbell and press it. The sound echoes in the house, making Buck's heart beat faster as he holds the note Bobby has found in a tight fist, a reminder that it is real. Or at least that it once was. Either way, he needs to know. Fear has taken away a lot from him already, it’s never protected him. Heartbreak is inevitable, he knows that now. It's not something Buck can avoid nor protect himself from. Just like he can't stop his heart from beating, he can't stop it from breaking. And he's okay with that, it's a risk worth taking.

As soon as the door opens on Eddie, Athena comes in, dragging Bobby inside with her. Not sure if he's welcomed in there or not, Buck just stands by the door, shifting from foot to foot as the other man stares at him. Buck opens his mouth to say something— anything— but words die in his throat as he takes in the other man’s gaunt features. 

Christopher was right: Eddie looks tired. Exhausted even, the dark circles under his eyes are proof of sleepless nights and days he's spent working hard. Eddie looks terrible and Buck wonders if it's truly because of what happened between them or if there is something else. Nonetheless, he just wants to step forward and wrap his arms around him— hug him and never let go.

"Bucky!" Christopher calls his name, hugging his legs.

Buck smiles down at him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, buddy."

"We're taking Christopher out for dinner then he's going to stay with us for the night," Athena announces, a backpack in her hands. "You two work your feelings out," she adds looking at Eddie then Buck.

"Bobby," Eddie sighs. Even his voice seems tired.

"Sorry, guys, it was that or a prison cell," the captain shrugs, confirming Buck's suspicions about them having planned the whole thing. The note just made convincing him to go to Eddie's easier, as if the universe itself was helping them with their scheme.

"A prison cell?" Buck repeats, an eyebrow raised.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Athena replies. "Everyone is done with you two pining over each other, so you better work this out because if you don't, I swear I'll lock you up in a cell until you do. I liked that idea better anyway."

"We'll take good care of him," Bobby assures Eddie, "so don't worry and focus on this one," he adds, nodding towards Buck.

Eddie doesn't argue, and he doesn't close the door on his face once the couple leaves with Chris. Buck takes it as a good sign but doesn't move, and neither does Eddie who looks everywhere but at him. Again, Buck feels the urge to launch himself forward and hug him, but he fights it. Eddie might not like it even if he looks like he needs it. Instead, Buck's grip tightens around the note he's still holding in his fist.

"I don't really want to be locked in a cell, can I come in?" He asks, hoping his joke lightens the mood.

It doesn't. Eddie doesn't answer, still avoiding to look at him, but he moves just slightly to the side which Buck takes as an invitation. He takes a few hesitant steps and sighs in relief when Eddie closes the door behind him, before walking toward the kitchen. Buck follows him, ignoring how familiar the house is, how he remembers everything about it and notices a few changes. In the kitchen, Eddie sits at the table as a humorless laugh escapes his lips.

"I guess this explains why Hen refused to let me cover her shift tonight. They're all in on it," he says quietly, and Buck isn't sure if he's talking to himself or to him.

It doesn't really matter anyway, Buck is too distracted by the way his heart clenches at how tired and emotive Eddie's voice sounds. For the first time ever, Buck hears the hint of emotion in his words. The irritation and amusement are evident. Eddie seems to notice it, too, because he takes a deep breath, as if he’s trying to get control over his feelings back. Buck takes a deep breath too, in then out, pushing away the little voice in his head telling him that it’s his fault, and walks around the table to sit across from Eddie.

“I—” Buck starts after long minutes of awkward silence during which Eddie hasn’t met his eyes once.

“What the fuck, Buck?” Eddie stops him, shaking his head in confusion, but he doesn’t wait for an answer. “What are you doing here? Is it only to please dad Bobby and mommy Athena?”

This time, Eddie lets Buck answer. “No! I– Bobby and Athena dragging me here is just the kick in the butt I needed to find the courage to talk to you,” he admits, “I have so much to tell y–”

“No,” Eddie stops him again, tone sharp. “I have a lot to say too, so I do the talking and you listen.”

Eddie’s eyes finally meet Buck’s. The hurt and anger he sees in them force Buck to stay silent and nod in answer. If Eddie needs to yell at him, to be mad at him, he’s going to let him because he deserves it. Besides, that’s better than facing a shadow of the man Eddie used to be. So Buck squares his shoulders, holds the note so tightly his knuckles turn white, and braces himself for whatever Eddie has to say to him. Reproach, blame, insults— Buck is ready for anything. Or so he thought because Eddie’s next words truly surprise him.

“I miss you so much, Evan,” he admits, anger leaving his eyes as his words escape his mouth. “You told me you didn’t want me in your life anymore and I respected that. I stayed away from you even if that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done because I thought you needed space. We are best friends, the kind of friendship we have doesn’t just end like that. It’s meant to last forever, so I thought you would come back to me,” Eddie confesses with a sad smile.

Buck stays still on his chair, guilt stabbing his heart and making his eyes burn with tears he tries to hold back. He never needed space, he needed Eddie and was too scared to admit it.

“But you didn’t. At the station, everyone was talking about how great you were doing in your new job, and at home, Chris was gushing about how great it was to see you. All I could do was stand there and listen to them talking about you, missing you while you just erased me from your life. You moved on, and you were happy. That hurt. You really don’t need me, but if those past few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that I do need you." Eddie pauses to take a deep breath. "Everything makes me think of you, and I wanted to call you or stop by your place so many times. The other day Chris got an A, and the first person I wanted to tell is you. Not my abuela, not my family— you, Evan. But I couldn’t because we weren’t talking and to be honest, I don’t even know why. I just knew that’s what you wanted.”

“It was never what I wanted, Eddie. I was scared," Buck quietly confesses. He owes him an explanation, even if he'd rather keep his stupid fear to himself. "I– I was being replaced not only in the team but in your life too." Eddie opens his mouth as if to argue but Buck stops him by shaking his head. "When I got the news that I was going to do light duty, I went straight to the station because I wanted to tell you, I wanted to thank you because I had a shot at coming back at the station and that was thanks to you. But I walked in there and saw my name taped over and, fine, someone needed to fill in for me, but you? You were in the gym with that new guy, calling him Ev as you called me and touching him as you touched me and… I don't know," Buck sighs. He does know.

"I guess I got jealous," he admits for the first time ever, "and not just— not like a friend would be, more like… I realized I have feelings for you then and I didn't want to. I was terrified. These kind of feelings never ended well for me. Every single person I've ever loved, or I thought I loved, broke my heart one way or the other. My father, Abby, Ali, even Maddie— they all left me. They all hurt me. And I didn't want to hurt like that again, so I thought I was protecting myself by pushing you away." Buck can't bring himself to look at Eddie, so he keeps his eyes down on the table as he laughs at his own stupidity. "I was wrong. I was just hurting myself. Worse, I was hurting you. I wanted to talk to you so bad, I almost called you many times, too. I actually did, after my first day as a fire marshal and you didn’t answer. That made me realize I had lost you for good, and I didn’t even blame you for not wanting to talk to me. That was on me. You had every right to hate me because I was a jerk to you.”

“I would never ever hate you, Evan,” Eddie says with so much confidence as he reaches for Buck’s hand on the table and covers it with his own.

Buck feels so relieved his heart might explode. “I’m so glad to hear that.”

“I would have told you sooner if we didn’t wait this long to have this conversation,” Eddie smiles softly, making Buck’s heart beat even faster.

“I was never happy, you know,” Buck says, smiling back at him. “I never moved on, I just thought that if I was pretending long enough, I would be okay. But I’m not. I’m a mess. The only thing that kept me going was your notes, I would probably have stayed in my apartment and ruined my chances to be back with the 118 without them because I was lying, I need you. I said a lot of things I didn’t mean that night,” Buck reveals, the memories making him look away. “I wanted to apologize so bad but I thought it was too late.”

Eddie squeezes his hand. “What made you change your mind? About being too late?”

Looking at Eddie again, Buck suddenly feels overly conscious about the little piece of paper he’s holding in the hand Eddie’s one is covering. He hesitates, fear and doubts sneaking back in his brain, but one look at the other man is enough to make them disappear. Eddie’s eyes are clouded by tiredness, but they are soft and encouraging. He might not mean the words he scribbled on the note anymore. That would break Buck’s heart. But if he still means them… Buck repeats to himself that it’s worth it. Living in fear never got him anywhere– it made him lose Eddie once already, so he’s done letting it control his life.

He puts his free hand on Eddie’s to show him that he’s not pushing him away again, and pulls the one holding the note away. Buck turns his fist up and opens it, revealing the crumpled piece of paper. Eddie seems to recognize it instantly as he shakes his head and laughs softly.

“You weren’t supposed to find this one.”

Buck’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “Why did you leave it at my place then?”

“I didn’t,” Eddie confesses, embarrassingly scratching the back of his neck.

“Then—”

“Chris,” they state in unison, smiling.

Thinking about the boy brings back memories about their talk earlier, and Buck realizes he didn’t apologize properly yet.

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m so sorry for pushing you away and hurting you."

"I know what you've been through, Ev, so I get it," Eddie reassures him offering him a comforting smile.

"It doesn't change the fact that I hurt you, I should have– I never meant to make you cry, Eddie."

"What— How—?" Eddie stutters before stopping to take a deep, slow breath. In then out. He stands up, pacing across the kitchen. "I lost you, Ev. I lost my best friend. Did you expect me to be happy about that?"

Buck shakes his head. "Maybe not happy, but you're strong, Eddie. I truly thought you didn't need me. I thought you would be fine."

"Do I look fine to you?"

Before he can think about it twice, Buck finds himself stopping Eddie's pacing. He puts both hands on his shoulders to keep him still as his eyes search for his.

"No," Buck replies honestly, smiling.

He takes a few minutes to look at the other man more closely. He looks as tired as before, but light is shining again in his eyes, bright and heartwarming, his body looks less stiff and a tiny bit too small for his clothes, and his messy hair gives him a disheveled look that looks good on him.

"But you still look beautiful."

His words surprise Buck as much as they surprise Eddie who looks at him with wide eyes, an endearing pink shade creeping up his cheeks.

"I'm a mess," Eddie argues, looking down.

Buck takes a step forward. "A beautiful mess."

"Stop saying I'm beautiful," Eddie grumbles, and he's actually pouting as if he was a five-year old kid.

Buck laughs and can't help but tease him. "I can't. I like the way it makes you blush too much. It's cute."

Frowning, Eddie walks away from Buck and leans against the kitchen’s counter, crossing his arms over his chest. His body language shows that he’s annoyed but his eyes– soft and shy– say he’s not. The blush still coloring his cheeks and the fond smile on his lips prove to Buck that even though it makes him a bit uncomfortable, he likes the attention, the flirting.

Comfortable silence stretches between them as they look at each other, both of them smiling. The silence feels natural and comforting, and being in Eddie’s kitchen feels right, like he belongs here. Buck has that strange feeling that he is exactly where he is supposed to be. He hadn’t felt that since he joined the 118, this feeling of rightness. 

As his heart’s pace picks up a bit and his stomach flutters, Buck feels electricity run through his body, making him shiver. He isn’t just where he is supposed to be, he is with the person he’s meant to be with. 

They stare into each others eyes, having a wordless conversation for a while. Words seem useless right now, they don’t need them to understand each other. Holding Eddie’s gaze, Buck feels warmth spread inside his body and tears threaten to spill again. All he can see in Eddie’s beautiful hazel eyes is love. _Eddie loves him._

As realization makes his heart jump in his chest, one word echoes in Buck’s head: _love_. It reminds him of the note still resting on the table and breaks him out of his trance. Buck blinks rapidly a few times and walks to the table, picking the sticky note up.

“Why did you write it if you never meant to give it to me?”

Eddie lets out an embarrassed laugh and meets Buck by the table. He takes the note from his hands, looking at it affectionately.

“I guess I just needed to get it off my chest,” Eddie shrugs.

“You could have told me.”

Eddie chuckles. “You weren’t the only one who was scared, Ev. I was too.”

“You– ”

“I was scared you didn’t feel the same way and me telling you would ruin our friendship,” Eddie says softly, his finger stroking his faded words on the paper. “I care so much about you, Evan… I love you so much. I– I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk losing you, so I said nothing and wrote it down.”

Buck breathes out a long sigh. “When was that?”

“The first night Chris and I spent to your place,” Eddie replies, quickly looking away before focusing back on him. “I woke up in the middle of the night with you in my arms and… I just knew. To be honest, I think I knew way before that, but that’s when I admitted it to myself. I stayed up for hours and I couldn’t think about anything else, so I wrote it down on one of those sticky notes you keep on the kitchen island and put it in my pocket. I’ve been carrying it with me every day since, hoping to work up the courage to leave it for you to find, but I never did.”

Buck listens to him, his heart beating so fast and loud it echoes in his ears. “I’m glad Chris left it for you.”

“Me too,” Eddie replies, folding the note and putting it into the pocket of Buck’s shirt.

He rests his hand on top of it, stepping forward until his body his pressed against Buck’s. They find themselves staring into each other’s eyes again, sharing an intense look and a content smile. As they close the distance keeping their lips away from each other, the surrounding air is charged with electricity and anticipation and when they finally kiss– their lips slowly moving in sync, and their tongues tentatively exploring the other’s mouth– Buck swears he feels his heart explode. He’s so overwhelmed by a storm of emotions that his head spins, and he doesn’t even know what to do with his hands, still resting at his sides. It’s like he’s being kissed for the first time.

“I don’t want to be scared anymore,” Eddie says once they pull away, just enough to catch their breath but not enough to properly look into each other's eyes. “I love you, Ev. I promise I will never hurt you.”

“I know,” Buck replies, briefly closing his eyes before moving his head away to look at Eddie. “I trust you.”

Eddie squint at him. “But? It’s okay if you don’t– If you– You don’t have to say it back. I–”

Buck shakes his head, cutting him off. He places his hand on top of Eddie’s, above chest, and puts pressure on it so Eddie can feel his heart beating rapidly.

“But you can’t promise me you won’t hurt me,” he says in a soft voice, “just like I can’t promise you I won’t hurt you— it could happen. I know that if it happens the heartbreak will measure up to the love I feel for you and I love you so damn much, Eddie, that I probably won’t be able to heal, ever. But I don’t want to be scared anymore either, it’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Buck declares, resting his free hand on Eddie’s jaw, his thumb soothingly stroking it. He leans in for another kiss, a simple peck on the lips. “I love you.”

When Buck pulls away, Eddie stops him, his hand tightening around his shirt. He harshly pulls him back to him, their bodies crashing against each other and their lips and tongues fighting for dominance. It’s a fight Eddie wins, and Buck is happy he does as he lets Eddie take charge. The man’s hand leaves his shirt, sliding up his chest to settle on the back of Buck’s neck, putting slight pressure there so his head is angled the way he likes it. Eddie deepens the kiss and Buck can’t stop the moan that dies in his throat, as goosebumps cover his skin. The kiss leaves them both panting, eyes clouded by lust, and smiling.

“If I knew this is how you would react,” Buck breathes out heavily, “I would have told you sooner.”

Eddie laughs. “Oh, this? This is just the beginning.”

“Really?” Buck asks, anticipation making his insides tingle. Eddie nods in answer, challenge shining in his eyes. Buck immediately understand what he wants from him and happily gives it to him. “I love you.”

Eddie looks at him with a satisfied grin, his hazel eyes shining dangerously, darkened by desire. He grabs Buck by the collar of his shirt and their lips meet in a new hot-blooded kiss.

“Are you going to kiss me every time I say that I love you?” Buck asks, smiling broadly.

Surely enough, Eddie kisses him again, this time softly and Buck smiles against his lips. He could get used to this. Once he breaks the kiss, Eddie looks at him with a huge smile and shrugs.

“I love you,” Buck says, earning a new kiss. “I love yo—” And another one. “I love y—” And another one. “I was going to say that I love yogurt!”

Eddie cocks an eyebrow at him, smiling. “You hate yogurt. You’re an idiot.”

“I am, but you love me,” Buck replies, planting a quick chaste kiss on Eddie’s lips.

“And you love me back.”

“I do,” Buck agrees, “more than I’ve ever loved anyone. If I believed in soulmates, I’d say you are mine.”

Buck actually never gave it much thought because he had no reason to until Eddie. He felt loved before but it all seems dull in comparison to the way his best friend makes him feel. And maybe this is what a soulmate is, not just a lover, but a best friend too— someone that is always here, no matter what. Someone whose love can’t be dimmed by time or mistakes. Someone who forgives and accepts flaws. To Buck, Eddie is all of that. So maybe, Eddie truly is his soulmate.

“I know you are mine.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ♥
> 
> Special thanks to my beta reader[ Sarah ](https://paul-strickland.tumblr.com) for everything and [ Aria ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyShipSailsHere/pseuds/MyShipSailsHere) for bouncing ideas with me and supporting me ♥
> 
> There's a lot of things happening and I might have forgotten some tags. If you think that any is missing, don't hesitate to let me know!


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